Well, Christmas came and went and I had a great time. Kyla had a wonderful Christmas :) And I can't believe it's 2011! Holy shit! 2010 was pretty bad, so hopefully 2011 is much better. I have been having multiple conversations with different people about marriage. Now let me tell you a little about me and you may understand why this is a big thing. I was the never the girl that dreamed of her wedding. Maybe I should have known then.. but no.. So my freshman year of high school I started dating this boy. (actually it started the summer before, but just follow me on this) We dated, and dated, and dated some more. Finally after a couple years the word came up... Marriage? What? Me? No! But, I couldn't screw this up. "Yeah after we get out of high school and stuff.. we still have a lot to do first" Then came the "promise ring" who invented those gay things! Maybe it was because I told him no engagement ring now (OR EVER). I finally realized that I don't want to be married. That realization started the fights. He didn't understand why I thought marriage was dumb and stupid. (don't take this the wrong way to all of you guys that are married) I shouldn't say marriage is dumb and stupid.. it's great. But not for me! I know it's some physiological reason. Maybe a therapist is who I need to see. So anyways I am going to try to explain how many crazy brain thinks. Marriage- tied down, his last name (he owns me), divorce (popular thing now-a-days), relying on a guy (never, ever), setting myself up to get hurt etc. I could go on forever. But I think it all comes down to fear. I don't like divorce. I actually disagree with it.. marriage is supposed to be forever. So what happens when it comes down to being miserable or getting a divorce? People could change all the time. Now looking back, I think what scared me so much was my ex boyfriend. Perfect guy when I met him. Completely changed into a controlling, abusive jerk! I dealt with it for four years! Brainwashed me into thinking I couldn't get better than him and that all of our problems was my fault. It's a huge story. So now I think I'm afraid. I am waiting for tyler to change into this type of guy. Commitment has been huge since this relationship. I was afraid to commit to tyler. I was afraid of getting hurt again. I know it's retarded! I still tend to push tyler away. Like this marriage thing.. Anyways.. enough of this done rambling. The point is.. I have changed my mind. Finally. I am taking a leap of faith. We are going to look at a wedding place this friday! Yikes!!! I don't want to be afraid of the what if's for the rest of my life! Wish me luck! I am pretty excited, but I think tyler is even more excited than I am. I am starting this year off on good terms :) I hope I keep it up!
Hi, I'm Christina.. I know we've never talked before, but I have a lot of those same fears. My fiance and I have been together fr over three years, but I am afraid that if we actually get married something is going to go horribly wrong. I want to marry him, I really do. He is the father of my daughter (andour baby on the way), but I am terrified of dragging the kids through a nasty divorce years down the road.. Ugg I hate that feeling.
ReplyDeleteWow, someone with my same feelings?! I never thought i'd see that! It's so much harder seeing my best friend going through such a horrible divorce.. I hate to see it when kids are involved. :( I agree, I hate the feeling too.
ReplyDeleteMy parents divorced when I was 11 and I stillhave issues with trust and things like that. I know what it can do to a child and I don't want that to happen to my kids. I know it's a silly thought. I am happy with my fiance, but I just can't bring myself to set a date. We bicker about little things and I don't want that to escalate into fights about major things years down the road.
ReplyDeleteHonestly I thought I was the only one that felt this way as well.
I wish your best friend and her kids the best. I know this must be a hard time for all of them.